So I don’t consider my story to be at a very high level of severity, considering there are numerous cases in which people have suffered much greater than I ever could have. BUT, I think mine should have some impact on people who are going through the same thing that I went through.
I graduated high school in 2018 and it was a really good feeling knowing that I was ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. Of course everyone is excited to graduate and go to college, and start their future, but there’s always that little part of you that isn’t ready for those responsibilities. Knowing that you won’t get to see your friends everyday, or partake in school sports or just feel the comfort you did in high school is pretty upsetting for a lot of people. Especially myself. So the night of my graduation, the school hosted an event called “Project Graduation.” It’s just a way to enjoy your last day with everyone as seniors and make it a night to remember, in which this case, was very unfortunate. Well for me at least.
That night I decided to take an edible, which is a piece of food, whether it’s a brownie or a chocolate bar, that contains marijuana. It wasn’t mine, but it was given to me by someone who didn’t want it. I thought about not taking it but I didn’t want to look like a loser in front of people and honestly I wanted to celebrate graduation a little. So I took it and about an hour later it hit me like a wrecking ball. I was extremely high and eventually I had a freak out moment that caused me to start vomiting continuously. I couldn’t stop because the dizziness was getting to be too much. After a while, and much embarrassment as my classmates were watching me, a teacher found me and got help. The school nurse decided that it was best to call an ambulance to get me out of there and take me to the ER. So that’s exactly what they did.
I don’t remember much except for being put onto a stretcher and seeing people look at me being taken out of the building. It was the worst feeling ever because I felt like I let a lot of people down. When I got to the hospital I remember getting a CAT scan and a urine test. The doctors told me I was extremely dehydrated and that the drug I took had also been laced with something else. Luckily they said I was going to be fine and that I should go home and just rest as much as possible. When I finally felt better all I could think about was everyone that was there watching me and those who knew what happened to me. I was worried they would think less of me a long with my parents. That’s when I began to become more and more stressed each and every day. Anytime I saw one of my friends from high school I would get extremely nervous because the last time I saw them I was “dying” on a bathroom floor. Eventually I learned to move on from that fear, even though it was extremely hard. After that I thought my life would get better because I wouldn’t ever make another stupid mistake again. I was wrong.
As I started to move on from high school I began to find myself totally clueless as to where my life was going. I was stressed because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life or who I wanted to be. I always had ideas in the back of my head in regards to a career path but I was afraid to go for it because I wasn’t confident in myself. So all I did was question every thought that I had. I did start going to college at a community school for general education classes because I was still undecided on a career path. Constantly thinking about a career does take a toll on you though because it determines what you are going to do for the rest of your life. That’s when the depression started to hit me.
I always told myself that I wasn’t depressed and that I was just figuring stuff out. Telling yourself that you’re not depressed when you know you are deep down makes things ten times worse. I began to stress eat and started to distance myself from my friends. Each day I was probably eating over 3500 calories. That was a lot for a guy who didn’t used to eat much. My diet consisted of fried foods and sugary garbage. Then I would also eat what my mom made for dinner. Some days when I knew my parents were making dinner, I would go sneak out and get a bunch of food, and eat it before they made dinner, and then sneak out at night and get more food. They would ask me if I ate anything that day before dinner, and I would lie and say “no, I didn’t.” Obviously they could tell at some point that I was lying considering I was gaining wait quickly. This was a regular thing for me for almost 3 years.
After my first year of community college I decided I might be able to turn my life around if I transferred to a bigger school and selected a major. So that’s what I did. I enjoyed law so I selected law and justice studies. Getting away from home was nice because I didn’t have the best relationship with my family. Especially my dad. It was always constant arguing. Leaving was a nice change of pace for me. When I transferred I was a sophomore so I still had plenty of time to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I went to class every day and studied hard but still found myself feeling totally useless and I didn’t know why. At this time I was already 220 pounds. When I started gaining weight I was about 185-190. But knowing that I had gained about 30 pounds only screwed me up more. I was at college and wanted to be happy and get a good experience.
I thought maybe I could go to parties and try and meet a girl that I could maybe build a relationship with, but it never worked out for me because I was too fat. But if I’m being honest I wasn’t really ever good with girls anyway. I then stopped going to parties and interacting with people. So I no longer had any friends at school and was always alone. I ate by myself, walked to class by myself, and did everything alone. I felt so alone and didn’t realize the whole time that I was doing it to myself. I was putting myself through all that pain and suffering because I was too lazy to fix it. My junior year of college was when I was nearing my worst point. At this point I was about 240-245 pounds. I was rooming with 5 other guys in an apartment at school. They were all really cool guys and we became good friends. We went to parties and just hung out and talked about random things. But the problem was whenever I went somewhere with them I always felt like the odd one out, because I was the fat one. They were all in great shape and a couple of them had girlfriends. They were happy with their lives and I was jealous. This just made things worse for me. The first semester finally ended and I was so depressed and lazy that I didn’t feel like continuing school in the spring. I told myself I would get a part time job and make some money instead. But I did the exact opposite.
I sat around everyday eating and playing video games for hours. I didn’t go out, I didn’t talk to anyone, I was always arguing with my father. So I felt that my life at that point just didn’t make any sense. I wasn’t ever suicidal but I felt like a waste of space.
I know this story is long, I’m sorry
One day I texted a friend of mine and asked him if he wanted to go play golf with me. He said yes because he had been wanting to play for a while and learn the game. He’s gotten a lot better and I’m proud of him for being able to stick to it with the tight schedule he has. Anyway when we were done playing we went out to grab some lunch at a diner like we usually would.
Then this nice old man sitting behind us started talking to us and asking us questions about what we wanted to do with our lives. My friend told him that he wanted to be a cop and I told him I wanted to be an engineer, which was a total lie on my part. I also wanted to be a cop but was afraid to tell him what I really wanted to do because I was fat and knew I couldn’t get a job as a cop. Anyway, after our conversation with the man, my friend turned to me and asked me a question, which was, “Are you good?” I said “what do you mean?” He was talking about my entire life. Everything I was and wasn’t doing and how I was feeling. So I told him I was depressed. He was the first person I ever told and I still really don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I trust him and was ready to change. He told me something about himself that he didn’t tell anyone else. He was depressed at one point too. He didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life and he felt totally lost. But he was able to get motivated and finally find something he wanted to do. After he told me that, it made me feel better because I didn’t feel totally alone anymore. I told him that I would like to change but didn’t know how. So he said that he would help me.
That night he came to my door and told me to go outside with him and start running. Just one mile around the neighborhood, and a few other exercises. Seemed pretty simple but I didn’t want to do it even though I said I wanted to change. The next day I was playing video games like usual and I hear this banging sound on my window. It was my friend trying to get me to come outside and exercise again, but I felt too busy to go out because I was playing my stupid Xbox. So when I told him no he called my phone and tried that way. I hung up on him and then he rang my door bell. He came inside and got me to go out and exercise again. I was so angry because I didn’t want to do it. That’s how pathetic I was. Then after our workout I was said to myself, “if he really went through all of that just to get me to come outside and run, he must care, and other people must care too.” I looked in the mirror, and was totally disgusted and said these exact words that I will never forget, “I’m finally willing to change.” I know it’s like something straight out of a movie but it’s what I said. So after a week of exercising with my friend I started to go out on my own and exercise, because he had become very busy. Every night for 3 months straight I ran one mile and ate one really good meal a day. I wasn’t starving myself or anything. I just felt so much better. In 3 months I lost 50 pounds. Everyone I talked to could tell how much of a difference there was. Now I’m less than 200 pounds and I go to the gym every day, and I’m back at school working hard for my degree, and making a lot of friends.
There’s something that I think about almost everyday. It’s something that my friend said at the diner in regards to exercising that really helped motivate me. “It’s hard to start doing it, but when you do it, it’s even harder to stop.” He couldn’t be more right. I love exercising now. I don’t ever want to stop.
There’s so many people going through what I went through. Some of them may think that they’re all alone but in reality there will always be someone there for you. You can’t just expect positive change to come to you though. You have to be willing to find it. Talking to someone, whether it’s your friend, or a family member, goes a long way. It did for me. I’m happy with where my life is at right now. I still don’t have a girlfriend lol but I will. Just the other day 3 girls walked up to me and asked for my phone number. That’s the honest truth. But if I was 250 pounds and depressed, they wouldn’t even think to ask me. But don’t lose weight and beat depression for the attention. Do it for your happiness. People who know me know that I’m not a really sensitive person, but when it comes to stuff like this I really do care, because I know what it’s like to lose in life.
If anyone ever goes through anything I went through, I would help them in a heartbeat. Someone did that for me and I couldn’t be anymore grateful. I’ll end with this…you can find motivation anywhere, and you can change, but you need to be willing to.